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20 November 2007 @ 02:50 pm
another little ficlet  

Sometimes, I can't stand myself. I lie awake at night and think about what I've asked of her and how it almost killed her. And then I think about how it isn't really that she was in pain that bothers me but that I almost lost her. It's all from a frame of me, my needs, my love for her. I think I must be the most selfish bastard in existence. Is that what I want for her? To be a doll there for me to dress up and play with? She's too strong for that. She's stronger than most adults I know. There's no way she'd let me. And then I hate myself for believing she'll keep me from going off the deep end into the darkness. And then I hate myself for doubting her.

Sometimes, I can't figure children out. How is it that when a boy falls down on the soccer field and skins his knee, he's a baby if he cries, but somehow the inability to see the latest episode of Magical All-Star Fashion Dream Team is worth a two-hour-long silent treatment, an hour of which is sobs in the bedroom? I am kind of glad she wasn't around when I was a child. I hate to think what she would have thought of me.

Sometimes, I can't understand why he lets me stay. I can't cook, I can't read. I can clean worth a damn, which he can't do, but that's hardly enough to justify it. I mean, I understand that he wants Molly to feel secure. And I know Molly loves me. But I can't sustain a decent conversation on any of the topics that interest him. I don't know a thing about biology or culture. I'm completely hot-dogs-and-pizza American, and he's so international and multicultural and complex and fascinating. But his fingers trail across my arm and pause on my bicep, and it's like having arm muscles is the sort of thing worthy of a Nobel Prize, when it's just a function of doing push-ups. The physics of that should be simple enough for even a big lunk like me to understand. But he wants to watch my morning routine. He wants me sweating around the apartment after my jog. It's a good thing I can clean,because I might kick myself out due to the stench.

Sometimes, I can't keep my feelings inside. There will be a moment when he smiles or laughs and the little wrinkles near his eyes form, and something about the line of his face will be like poetry that needs reciting. And I'll feel myself grab him with both arms and press him close to me, and his warmth will surge through me like a song. And I'll whisper hotly how good he makes me feel and how much strength he gives me and how beautiful he is and how lucky I am to even know him, and he'll laugh and ask what brought this on, even though the answer is always the same. You. You brought this on, Mohinder. You made me adore you.

Sometimes, I can't remember what my life was like before him. I know that somewhere in the distant past there was a regular shape to life. School, job, marriage, family. That was before the echoes began sounding in my mind, before a serial killer tried to kill a little girl and a man in horn-rimmed glasses stole two days of my life. That's before the shape of my life went from sensible square to weirded-out trapezoid. (Trapezoid? Oh, lord, my brain has gone dorky through exposure to his.) It is hard to remember what normal life looked like. What? Isn't this normal? Solving murder cases by reading suspects' minds, then going home to my beautiful little girl who also could be MollyMaps.com, and her equally beautiful other father? It sounds pretty normal to me. I guess that's just how far gone I am. Pardon me, though, if I don't ever want to go back. It's too wonderful on this side of the equation. (Equations. Again. It's your fault, you big intellectual bastard.)

Sometimes, I can't come up with the words for how much I love them both.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that's OK.
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saavikam77: M3saavikam77 on November 20th, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
*flails*!!!! ^_^

I love your Matt voice so much. :D He's absolutely the big lug I've come to know and love. *hugs him* And I love how frustrated he is that Mohinder's intellectualism is rubbing off on him. :p
Tiptoe39: xellostiptoe39 on November 20th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC)
Yay, thank you. For commenting, you get to hear it here first: I am writing smarmy smarmy smut for later tonight...

hee hee, I think I'm all that. Anyway...... hehehe. glad you liked.
Renéerogueslayer452 on November 21st, 2007 06:48 am (UTC)
This is simply lovely, each paragraph describing what Matt feels inside and I adored it. Especially the parts where Mohinder has influenced the way he views his life, and Matt's loving him for it. Heh, so cute.

Also, trapezoid? MollyMaps.com? I just about cackled at those! XD
Tiptoe39: hypertiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
i have half a mind to register mollymaps.com and cover it with m3 fic and mapquest ripoffs ^_^ i'd better behave myself
Xandri the Gate-pirate: Matt and Mohinder - morphine angelxandri on December 4th, 2007 05:33 am (UTC)
DOOOO IIIIIIIT.
teecub on November 21st, 2007 02:31 pm (UTC)
Awww! I just want to hug Matt in this. VERY cute job, thanks for sharing! XD
Tiptoe39tiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
thanks for commenting!
EmmyHildyemmyhildy on November 21st, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
Your Matt voice is so spot on and perfect and just makes me love him all the more! :D This was my favorite: "It's your fault, you big intellectual bastard." hehe...

gawd I love this ship!!! :D
Tiptoe39: matthindertiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
yay, liked that one too :D i love it when the lines i think are spot on are loved too.
JLB: hiro feathersbaehj2915 on November 21st, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)
OOOOOOOHHH!

I heart you and this fic and M3 and the world and my mac and your parents and everything that made this fic possible!

I hearted it!

But his fingers trail across my arm and pause on my bicep, and it's like having arm muscles is the sort of thing worthy of a Nobel Prize, when it's just a function of doing push-ups.

Wow, my favorite Matt musing ever!

~(big) love from WI
JLB
Tiptoe39: shuichitiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
wow! i heart you back! what a nice comment :D
Melnewkidfan on November 21st, 2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
Your Matt voice is wonderful, and I adored every word. This is going into my bookmarks. :)
Tiptoe39tiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
awwwwww thank you!
crystal_mkcrystal_mk on November 22nd, 2007 05:58 am (UTC)
I love this story. You have Matt's voice right on point.
Tiptoe39tiptoe39 on November 22nd, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
he is projecting his thoughts into my head and i can't stop... am compelled to write.... :zombie:

^_^ thank you.