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26 December 2007 @ 10:52 pm
Heroes WIP 2: Crack fic  
Second WIP tonight. This one needs some tightening but still gives me the lulz. Feedback and suggestions for tightening are welcome.


The Phantom of the Company


a Heroes Crack!fic
Starring Sylar as the Phantom
With
Mohinder Suresh...Matt Parkman
Bob Bishop...Noah Bennet...Angela Petrelli
Peter Petrelli...Elle Bishop...Nathan Petrelli
and featuring Hiro Nakamura as the Entire Stage Crew and Half the Plot

With the Cast of a Thousand Heroes


PROLOGUE

[An auction house in Tokyo. KAITO NAKAMURA is auctioning off several items from the Deveaux family collection to a set of old Japanese guys. MATT PARKMAN, the only gaijin in the house, stands several feet taller than anyone else.]

KAITO: Sold! Your number? Hai, doumo arigatou gozaimasu.

Lot 665: A pair of horn-rimmed glasses, with bullet hole through one lens.

[ANDO MASAHASHI steps forward with the glasses.]

ANDO: What!? This is the only role I get in this fic? I get shafted enough in canon, you know!

KAITO: (gives him the Glare of Death)

ANDO: Right, boss. Showing here!
KAITO: May I start at 18,000 yen? 18,000, thank you sir. No, madam, I will not accept your full set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards as payment. 20,000, thank you sir.... 25, thank you, madam...

[MATT sends a telepathic signal to the auctioneer]

KAITO: 30,000! Selling at 30,000, then. (Ignoring other, higher bids) Once, twice, sold to the gentleman from the New York Police Department for 30,000 yen. Arigatou gozaimasu!

MATT: I remember the night these glasses got shattered. Zombie!Bennet is probably still walking around somewhere. I wonder if he'll want these back.

KAITO: Lot 666: a samurai sword in pieces.

[MATT's head snaps up.]

KAITO: Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Company, a mystery never fully explained due to the writer's strike and, of course, a number of plot holes.

ANDO: But I got the secret scrolls out of it! Go me!

KAITO: (Glare of Death time)

ANDO: Showing here.

[He holds up the awkwardly-glued-together pieces of the sword, and HIRO NAKAMURA comes swinging in, grabs it and whisks us all away to 30 years ago...]

ACT ONE

[New York, Deveaux Building-- the headquarters of the Company. It is a skyscraper in Manhattan with a rather opulent rooftop and a number of crappy apartments, but all that is a front for the genetics lab hidden in its upper floors. In the main auditorium of that facility, ELLE BISHOP is giving a lecture to a throng of assembled researchers. NATHAN PETRELLI is helping her with the presentation; he's wearing a big "Vote Petrelli" button. In the seats sit PETER PETRELLI and MOHINDER SURESH, amid a gaggle of other characters who are relegated to extra status cause I couldn't fit them in the crack!fic. Sorry, Niki.]

[A pair of men in glasses show up. They are being guided by a young blond man in a horribly outdated '70s shirt-and-sweater combo. One of the men waves back, slightly uncomfortably.]

MOHINDER: Isn't that Adam Monroe, who founded the company a million years ago?

PETER: Oh, that's mean. He doesn't look a day over 400. But who are those two guys with him? And more important, doesn't my brother look dreamy?

[He swoons; MOHINDER rolls his eyes and catches him, annoyed. ADAM MONROE takes the stage.]

ADAM: As many of you know, there have been rumors of my imminent retirement these past few decades. I'm here to tell you now that NO WAY AM I GIVING UP MY COMPANY YOU RAT BASTARD TRAITORS I'LL KILL THE LOT OF YOU------

[HIRO stops time and whisks away ADAM to parts unknown. Seeing a gap, the two men with glasses weigh in.]

BOB BISHOP: Right then, we're the new owners of the Company. This is Noah Bennet, and I'm Bob Bishop.

ANGELA: Welllllllcome, gentlemen.

[ANGELA PETRELLI steps in. She is a mysterious, somewhat gothy woman with the permanent expression of having just eaten a rotten prune.]

ANGELA: Allow me to introduce you to our company's brightest stars. Of course, Elle needs no introduction--

[ELLE hugs BOB]

ELLE: Daddy!

BOB: Elle, do you mind?

ANGELA: And you know our leading government sponsor, my son, Nathan.

PETER: WTF, Ma? I'm here too!

ANGELA: ...yes, and my other son, Peter. He's the black sheep of the family.

[PETER goes into the corner and sulks up a storm.]

NOAH BENNET: So I understand you have a presentation tonight being sponsored by the NYPD. Could we see a little of your work?

ELLE: Oh, Dad, don't make me...

BOB: Four words for you, princess: Mr. Muggles' doggie bath.

ELLE: Fine, fine, fine!! As I was saying before, if you'd just look at the slides over here-- EEK!

[The slide projection screen promptly falls on top of her. Everyone screams, especially ELLE, who starts wailing bloody murder.]

PETER: It's the Phantom of the Company!

MOHINDER: The what of the what?

PETER: You haven't heard about him? Go talk to Maya and Alejandro. They'll tell you all about the creepy evil vibes that haunt this place!

MOHINDER: Actually, I think they're the creepiest ones around here.

[He glances off to the side, where MAYA and ALEJANDRO HERRERA are clasping hands, looking desperate and borderline incestuous.]

MAYA: Why? WHY? Why didn't I get a part in this fic? I could sooo play Carlotta! Whenever I'm on stage, I slay the audience! [The PUN POLICE drive by to give the author a warning; meanwhile, several flowers around MAYA wilt, and at least one extra dies for no good reason. Sorry, Charlie.]

ALEJANDRO: Maya, that's sort of the problem.

[Meanwhile, ELLE is frying like Pikachu.]

ELLE: That's IT! I think I broke my other arm this time! I am SO going out for a Slusho. SEEEEE ya! [She books it.]

BOB: Well, that's unfortunate. I'm not sure anyone else can give the presentation.

PETER: Mohinder can, liek, fer sure! Besides, if he's up there with Nathan I get to look at both my crushes. Sigh....

BOB: All right, Dr. Suresh, let's see what you've got.

[MOHINDER gets up, and his dreamy accent wows the crowd. As he sings, HIRO comes in and fast-forwards us to the big night...]

MOHINDER (singing)
Think of me,
Think of my accent,
Stylish and refined.

On NBC,
If you sound British
You must have a mind.

Ignore the girls,
look back on all those guys
you wish that I would go and do
There will never be a slash fic
I don't fit into!


[The crowd goes wild, particularly young MATT PARKMAN. As MOHINDER is congratulated by his peers, a mysterious voice echoes.]

SYLAR: Bravo, Mohinder...

[PETER comes up to MOHINDER as he is returning to his lab.]


PETER (singing)
Where in the world have you been hiding?


MOHINDER: You volunteered me for this gig, remember? What are you so surprised about?

PETER: Don't point out plot holes in the source material when you're writing a parody! It dilutes the message.

MOHINDER: Riiight, sorry.

[HIRO comes in and resets the scene. It never happened. It was just a figment of your imagination. You were never here.]


PETER (singing)
Where in the world have you been hiding?


MOHINDER: In the closet. Should I come out now?

[MOHINDER bursts out laughing; PETER gives him a lustful look. HIRO resets the scene again. This time, we skip PETER's verse entirely.]


MOHINDER (singing)
Father once spoke of a hero,
I used to dream he'd appear.
Granted, my dad was a Froot Loop,
But at least I'm here!

Here in this room he tells me bullshit,
Teaches me to fake it.
Somehow I know he's always with me,
Thinking of me naked....


PETER: OK, that's fucking creepy. I'm going to Nathan's room, bye.

[On his way out, he sizes up MATT, who is at the lab door. He neters the room and begins telling MOHINDER a fairy tale they both know.]

MATT (singing)
Little Molly let her map wander,
Little Molly thought, should I find my pet dog
Or a classmate or two,
Or the boogeyman's socks

MOHINDER
Or your father...

MATT
No, what I'm scared of, Molly said
Is when I'm asleep in my bed
And the man who brings nightmares is inside my head....


MOHINDER: You know, I somehow think that story wasn't appropriate for children.

MATT: Mohinder, it's me, your old roommate, Matt! I've missed you so much!

MOHINDER: (suddenly frightened) Get out. He won't like it if you show up.

MATT: Who?

MOHINDER: Sylar. Get out!

[He throws MATT out of the lab, but he remains at the door, listening. A creepy image shows up in the mirror on the front of the storage closet.]

SYLAR (singing)
Insolent cop!
This fat dyslexic
(Pardon some brief meta:

Who wants their ships
To be domestic?
Psychotic sex's better!)

I am your OTP...
Come to me, OTP...!!


[MATT bangs on the door as Mohinder steps into the storage closet and disappears. HIRO transports us all to the New York City sewer system, where cockroaches and sewer gators sing backup, Disney fashion, in our musical's title song.]

MOHINDER (singing)
In slash he came to me
With evil plans

SYLAR
Don't give the blame to me:
I'm not the fans.

MOHINDER
And though his role was played
Once by Claude Raines


[CLAUDE sulks in the background, invisible and forgotten, mumbling "People SUCK" to himself]

SYLAR
The Phantom of the Company is me--
eating ur brainz!


[SYLAR attacks CLAUDE and eats him as they pull up at the Phantom's Lair, which looks specifically like Isaac Mendez's apartment.]

MOHINDER: Heroin chic. Not bad.

SYLAR: Especially since we're a crack pairing.

[GRUNNY on the rimshot! Ba-dum! Meanwhile, PUN POLICE drive by with second warning to author.]

SYLAR (singing)
Softly, deftly,
let the plot confuse you
Kring and I will
Ruthlessly abuse you
Say your mother's ill
Or you've run out of the Pill
Doesn't matter if you're gonna miss your flight...
You won't go out-- it's "Heroes" night tonight!


[MOHINDER looks in the mirror and sees hordes of screaming fangirls; he faints dead away. HIRO transports us forward a scene to BOB and NOAH's offices, where they are eyeing a pair of fancy-looking letters. They read them out loud, one by one.]

BOB (singing)
"Dear Bishop,
Re: your stupid virus--
You'll want to know I'm good as new
Just a bit of the crud
In Mohinder's blood
And I'm cured.
But you still ought to thank me
I got rid of that annoying Candice, too!"

NOAH
"Dear Bennet,
Re: your teenage daughter--
I think I'd like to eat her brain.
It's a hell of a trick
Cause her head heals quick:
How about,
you give the girl the virus--"


[BOB crosses over to read over his shoulder.]

BOB
"--And when I receive the power
I've been craving--"

NOAH
"I'll behave and
give her my blood
so the girl can rise again!"


[In runs ANGELA, looking very distressed.]

ANGELA
Plot holes!

BOB
What's wrong with you?

ANGELA
The second season's got
Plot holes!

NOAH
So did the first!

ANGELA
But these are bigger!

[She shoves a script in his face. In the background, PETER and NATHAN are reading their scripts, too.]

ANGELA
Have you seen this outrageous plot?

PETER
I get amnesia?

NATHAN
I'm a hobo!

BOB
Not you as well

NATHAN
Look at this beard! I'm a hobo!

PETER
I think you're cute...

NATHAN:
I lose my kids, too?
Am I a major player or not?


[MATT rushes in.]

MATT: Where's Mohinder? It's nearly the end of the episode and we need an esoteric voiceover!

ANGELA: Will another creepy note do?

[She holds one up; everybody sighs. Eventually NOAH picks it up, adjusts his horn-rimmed glasses, and starts reading aloud.]

NOAH: "Gentlemen:

I have now sent you several scripts detailing how my storyline is to be run. You will name Volume 3 "Villains," and it will be all about me and..." what the hell is a picture of a cat doing here? "...and how i can has mah momo and we live haply ev4r aft3r naoplzkthxbai"?

BOB: He's insane!

NOAH: "Also plz give mom a cooler part liek wit a gun r sumthin k? If you don't, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant, G.G."

BOB: A disaster beyond our imagination?

ANGELA: Worse than a whole letter written in lolcat?

PETER: He'll kill us all!

NATHAN: He'll bring down a chandelier!

NOAH: No, it's much worse than that. [ALL look at him.] He'll go on hiatus to play Spock in Star Trek, and we'll be without our most interesting character for weeks on end!

ALL: OH NOES!!!

[They begin to scream and run around; in the confusion, MOHINDER grabs MATT's hand and brings him to the roof of the Deveaux building.]

MOHINDER: Matt, you have to save me. He's obsessed with me and won't leave me alone.

MATT: You think you're all that, don't you? Well, I can slash, too. Here, let's look at fanfiction.net. See, I slash with HRG...

[SANDRA appears in the background, carrying MR. MUGGLES. They both growl equally rabidly.]

MATT: Erm. Never mind that. How about-- yeah! I slash with Ted!

[The ghost of TED'S WIFE floats by and disappears.]

MATT: Aw crap, OK, OK, you got it, whatever you want.

MATT (singing)
All I want is fanfic
Some slash that's not with Ted
Cause, true, hot is exciting
But nuclear sex is frightening

Let me have some mansex
Where I won't wind up dead
And you're such a bishounen
That I wouldn't mind bonin'


[The PUN POLICE come by and cart the author away]


MOHINDER
Say you'll share with me
A crap apartment
Let's be parents, though we never stay

Let's pretend our daughter's
Well-adjusted
Even though the plot takes us away.
That girl will need therapy someday...


[They embrace on the rooftop. In the background, SYLAR gets truly pissed and looks for some havoc to wreak. He finally seizes on ISAAC MENDEZ, who's in the background painting. SYLAR throws ISAAC off the roof.]

ISAAC: I totally knew this was gonna happennnnnnnnnnnn-----!!!!

[He splats on the street in spectacular fashion. End Act One.]
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that weirdo with the notebookfool_of_ships on December 27th, 2007 05:06 am (UTC)
ROFL!!! I wish I could offer something more constructive, but I've never seen Phantom and now I'm going to be recasting it when we finally go. *wipes tears*
carma_babycarma_baby on December 27th, 2007 05:12 am (UTC)
Crackfic, indeed! I'm interested to see how Act Two commences. {Especially after the Pun Police carted away the author.}

P.S. I tried to comment on your Sandra Bennet, sex history, back story story, but lj wouldn't let me. So this is me telling you that I loved it and can't wait for the next part, and I am very glad that I get to read it! ^_~ Keep up on both of these, please!

And, per usual, thank you for sharing!
himhilien: Heroes - Claudehimhilien on December 27th, 2007 05:33 am (UTC)
I. CANNOT. BREATHE. *falls over*

I have nothing constructive to say, besides please write more. *sends you chocolate for payment*
Samanthor: Like a Disco?kleenexcow on December 27th, 2007 05:35 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I love you. You win the internet.
Tiptoe39: hanging aroundtiptoe39 on December 27th, 2007 01:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hey hon did you ever get my beta on your fic? I sent it ages ago.
versinae: loveversinae on December 28th, 2007 05:13 am (UTC)
Oh my god, I wandered over here from the kiss fic, which was great too but OH MY GOD I SANG THE WHOLE THING OUT LOUD AS I READ IT AND IT WAS AMAZING. I was obsessed with this as a kid and I was still able to see where all the songs fit and sing them, and not only does it scan and rhyme perfectly, it is the funniest thing on the planet.

I totally promise to work on my Krackamari Damacy fic for you b/c I can't send you the diamonds and jewels you deserve for this.

OMG. Can't wait to see 2nd act! I think imagining the Notes from OG part was my favorite, with Angela, omg. SO MUCH WIN!!
Veet Voojagigveetvoojagig on December 29th, 2007 03:41 am (UTC)
I am totally laughing my ass off. That is absolutely hysterical. I really do hope you write more of it!
Liritar: Matt Haitian Bennet OT3liritarofrohan on December 29th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
Bloody hell, I love you so much right now...