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02 May 2008 @ 09:13 pm
[fanfic] Nathan Petrelli's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day (w/apologies to Judith Viorst)  
For heroes_contest.

Title: Nathan Petrelli's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
(With apologies to Judith Viorst)
Rating: PG for Petrelli abuse
Genre: Humor
Characters: Nathan and a few guest stars
Warnings: Petrelli abuse, and a small dig at a certain right-wing pundit
Summary: Oh, Nathan. Please forgive me for this.



Nathan Petrelli's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day
(With apologies to Judith Viorst)

There are many pleasant things to which one can wake in the morning. Birdsong. The voice of a loved one. Sunlight. The smell of pancakes wafting up from below.

Angela Petrelli's face is not one of those things.

"What the? Ma..." Nathan rolled over, attempted to hide in his pillows, failed miserably, and groaned. "Don't do that to a guy in the morning."

"Nathan," she said gravely. "Can you be the one we need?"

He blinked and sat up. "Whaa-a-t?"

"You are the one we have been waiting for," she said. "You need to see this through, Nathan. Make me proud."

Ten minutes later, Nathan was on his hands and knees fixing the bathroom plumbing. He could tell already that this was going to be a bad day.




Peter had eaten all the waffles by the time he got downstairs.

"You smell like a toilet," he said, waving a hand in front of his nose.

"Yeah, thanks," Nathan muttered. "Pete, you free for lunch today? I gotta late morning booking on CNN but I can fly back in time. Wanted to discuss THAT with you." THAT being their Ultra Top Secret Plan to Take Down the Company, Piss Off the Old People, and "Out" Superpowered Humans. It was Ultra Top Secret, and also Totally Awesome. Once Nathan had nixed Peter's idea of buying matching red and blue outfits and doing pairs skating fifty feet above Rockefeller Center, that is.

"Can't," Peter said through a face full of waffles. "Promised Hiro I'd travel through time with him and try to prevent something awful from happening that's surely going to happen if we don't travel through time."

"I can make it to lunch and a time-traveler can't," Nathan muttered. "That's great. This is shaping up to be a very bad day."





CNN had locked Nathan in the "debate dungeon." This basically meant that he was supposed to face off against some pundit from the opposite side of the aisle and argue about the latest political nothing-story. It was infuriating, but after nearly dying, he had suddenly gained national attention, and why should he refuse it?

Because it would mean he had a chance of escaping alive, he thought in a panic as he saw the familiar face he'd be picking a slap-fight with. "Niki?"

"Not quite," said the blonde with a catty smile, tossing her hair.

"Jessica, then?"

"Old news," she said, looking bored.

"Gina?!?"

"Actually," she said, blowing a kiss at him, "I'm Niki's fifteenth alter ego, the knee-jerk right-wing pundit Fran Boulter. And if you disagree with me in this segment, I'll kick your teeth in."

Nathan sighed. This was truly a no-good, very bad day.




His cell phone rang on the way back from (solo, sob) lunch.

"Petrelli, it's Parkman. Got a few minutes?"

All right. A chance to discuss the Top Secret And Utterly Awesome Plan. Maybe this day would look up after all. "Sure, what's going on?"

"Well, we bought these sofa chairs, and they look like they'll fit through the fire escape doorway, but the stairwell's too narrow..."

Oh. Never mind. "What part of not a cargo jet did you not understand!?"

"Come on, Nathan. They're not as heavy as I am."

"An elephant is lighter than you, Parkman. Have I mentioned I'm having a horrible, no-good, very bad day?"




Two sweat-soaked flights (and not of stairs) later, he stood panting in the tiny apartment.

"So I can call you if we decide to get that sofabed, right?"

"Dry up and die," Nathan snapped. "Next time call the telekinetic brother, OK? When he's done traveling through time with the Nakamura kid, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you."

"He's not traveling through time," said a chipper voice across the room.

"Wha-a?" Nathan raised and eyebrow.

"He's at a bar on 43rd street," Molly said, smiling broadly. "With some girl. Drinking beer."

Nathan wondered briefly about the concept of justifiable fratricide. It was now officially a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.




"Hey, Nathan. I just got back."

Nathan looked up from his magazine and gave Peter the Look of Death. Peter stumbled back a few steps. "Hey, what's that for? I thought you'd want to know what I saw in the future."

His own brother, lying to his face. Nathan slapped the magazine on the desk and got up, smiling far too sweetly. "Of course I do. Tell me all about it."

"What's with that attitude?" Peter asked, feigning innocence. "Bad day or something?"

"You could say that."

"Hey, look, tomorrow will be better, OK?" Peter smiled his usual clueless smile and clapped Nathan on the back.

Something was rising up inside Nathan, something long-suffering and shaken like a bottle of soda water until it was primed to explode. "Let me guess," he said. "You went into the future and saw as much?"

Peter grabbed hold of the explanation "S-sure! Right, exactly!"

CRACK!

Peter went down like a rag doll. Nathan blew on the knuckles of his smarting fist. "What do you know," he said with a satisfied grin. "Things are looking up already."
 
 
 
boudecia7boudecia7 on May 3rd, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
Wheeee! I'm snorting Dr. Pepper through my nose right now, and you should know that that is no fun...but this story is! OMG, I haven't laughed so hard in a truly looong time. Fran Boulter? :D

Absolutely made of WIN!
silver_x_cross: Heroes Flying Mansilver_x_cross on May 3rd, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)
*gigglesnort*

Oh I love it! Poor Nathan!
congratulations universe, you win: heroes2miss_universe93 on May 4th, 2008 07:13 am (UTC)
LOL this is great!
saavikam77: Heroes Eclipsesaavikam77 on May 6th, 2008 03:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, Nathan. XD ROFL.. *hugs him* This was too hilarious.
shimmeree: adrianshimmeree on May 20th, 2008 12:25 am (UTC)
Adorable.
Tiptoe39: pretty boytiptoe39 on May 20th, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
so's your icon, rrrowr :D

thank you so much!
Bloody Jack Flint: Alice: Betting on Alicerhye on May 24th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, so funny and creative! Very clever writing as well (I'm agog at "two flights (and not of stairs)"-- I'm just not that clever!). You totally deserve the first place win, congrats.
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.: heroes - nathan knows what ur up tobrandinsbabe on March 16th, 2009 07:05 pm (UTC)
LOLOL!!!! thanks for linking this to me!!! it was awesome. oh poor nathan, i love him so <3
jaune_chat: CargoJetjaune_chat on September 17th, 2010 11:15 am (UTC)
What an awesomely fun story! It's just one of those days when the world seems to be armed against you and you just need to punch it right in the face. I loved the "cargo jet" thing, and Angela rousing Nathan out of bed to do plumbing, and Peter being not nearly as noble as he presents himself. Thanks for the giggle this morning Tippy!
Tiptoe39tiptoe39 on September 17th, 2010 11:50 am (UTC)
HEEEEE! Hi! I'm so glad you liked this! Always happy to give you a giggle. <3
gerolyn7gerolyn7 on December 24th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
This was awesome. But wait. . . there are AWARDS for this stuff? I mean seriously, you can win slash awards. LOL You are really good. You deserve them, I just didn't know they existed. Huh! Okay then.
Tiptoe39tiptoe39 on December 24th, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
ehh, they're just LJ communities that people put up so they can give awards out. It's actually not something I participate in anymore.