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20 December 2011 @ 05:29 pm
TV Fandom Christmas Carols!  
Every year with a few exceptions, I've been writing Christmas Carol parodies based on what I was into at the time. The past decade has looked like this:

2000 (pre-livejournal) - Hana Yori Dango
2001 - Gravitation
2002 - hiatus as I was in Japan
2003 - Buffy
2004 - City of Heroes
2005 - Video games, politics & copy editing
2006 - Heroes
2007 - Presidential Primary Spectacular
2008 - LJ hiatus; no carols
2009 - too busy being newly obsessed with SPN to write carols
2010 - Supernatural

This year I have so many shows that I'm enjoying, I couldn't limit my carols to just one fandom. So I have spaced them out over a few fandoms this time. So... enjoy!

TV Fandom Christmas Carols

For Fringe, I present a procedural carol - no, not Walter's favorite, Carol of the Bellys - but instead that morality tale of Good King Walter.

Good King Walter last looked out
on the corpse of Stephen
With the green slime all about
and the teeth marks even.

Stephen was the seventh vic,
All dead due to biting,
Things like this that make you sick,
Walter finds exci-i-ting.

"Hither, Astrid, stand by me,
And prepare the tank, too.
I'm quite high on LSD
Keep me steady, thank you."

"Walter, you're a total mess,
Get into the water.
Though I'm sadly onscreen less
than Anna Torv, I'm hot-t-ter."

In the water Walter went,
Tripping balls and humming
He would find the perp's intent
Through this psychic thrumming.

"Sir, the body's stinking now,
And the slime's now powder...
Please come out and calm your cow!"
("Moo," said Gene much louder.)

"On my way! I've solved the crime--
A Quik Mart is killing.
It's so clear - the powdered slime
Is slushie after spill-ll-ing!"

Therefore, CSI, take heed
(And stay out of Quik Marts)--
He who smokes a lot of weed
Has the scienti-fic smarts!

For The Walking Dead, I would like to present Rick's Lament (to the tune of Jingle Bells):

Dashing through the town,
With my one horse and my hat,
Trying to pin down
Where my guns are at.
Walkers on my trail,
Saw a tank and hid,
Gotta get me out of here
and find my wife and kid!

Zombies here
zombies there
zombies on the tank...
Since some soldier
died in here
This place has really stank!
Zombies up,
Zombies down,
Zombies out in force
Can I sneak out
Now, before
They finish off my horse?

For Suits, I thought "Harvey Specter's Coming to Town" might scare a few of you into lawyering up, and "Mike Ross, the Red-Lipped Associate" just wouldn't scan quite right, even if the image is quite enticing.

As for Hawaii 5-0, there's a number of carols to be enjoyed there. For example, there's the lovely carol from the POV of Grace Williams, I Saw Mommy Kissing Stanny Claus (which is changed to Danny Claus depending on whose baby it is this week)... or the Ode to Kamekona, sung to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus---

Of a shrimp cart
he's the ownah,

but let us skip straight to the grand finale, a multi-fandom spectacular known as the 12 Days of Fan-ness. You know the melody, sing along!

On the first day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me
A high schoolers' club that's named Glee

On the second day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me
Two Agent Dunhams
And a curly-haired director of Glee.

On the third day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me
Three Suits for Harvey,
Two sexy Olives,
And a drama queen vamping in Glee.

On the fourth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Four zombies stalking,
Three three-piece Suits,
Two Anna Torvs
And that guy from Wendigo in Glee.

On the fifth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Four drooling walkers,
Three Gucci Suits,
Two badass Livs,
And Jane Lynch trying to kill Glee.

On the sixth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Six Lev'rage jobs
O'Loughlin's abs!
Four walking dead,
Three hot Suits,
Two Walters too,
And a gay couple kissing on Glee.

On the seventh day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Seven S.N. seasons,
Six grifting jobs,
Scott Caan's nice ass!
Four zombie extras,
Three wrinkled Suits,
Two Astrids, whee!
And some teen angst to counter the Glee.

On the eighth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me
Eight knights for Arthur,
Seven spooky seasons
Six connish jobs,
Grace Park kicks butt!
Four of Daryl's arrows,
Three tight Suits,
Two of everyone
And a socially activist Glee.

On the ninth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Nine All-Star models,
Eight Camelotties,
Seven creepy seasons,
Six badass jobs,
Daniel Dae Kim!
Four Rick/Shane fights,
Three buttoned Suits,
Two universes
And a dumb blonde cheerleader on Glee.

On the tenth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Ten shows on Netflix,
Nine bitchy models,
Eight hottie knights,
Seven hunting seasons,
Six tricky jobs,
And Masi O!
Four near escapes,
Three black Suits,
Two Fringe events
And a "maybe I'm gay, too" on Glee.

On the eleventh day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Eleven Timelord Doctors,
Ten catch-up shows,
Nine strutting models,
Eight slashy knights,
Seven scary seasons,
Six careful jobs,
James Marsters -- dead!
Four shotgun blasts,
Three formal Suits,
Two big Machines
And thank God, there's no Bieber on Glee.

(deep breath)

On the twelfth day of fan-ness
my TV gave to me,
Twelve Dexter victims,
Eleven hipster Doctors,
Ten shows I missed,
Nine posing models,
Eight dueling knights,
Seven gory seasons,
Six sleazy jobs,
Four zombie headshots,
Three birthday Suits,
Two Peters (not!),
And oh crap, I think I'm hooked on Glee.
The Soul is:: creativecreative
888mph888mph on December 20th, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC)
JagfanLJ: Celebrationjagfanlj on December 20th, 2011 11:36 pm (UTC)

It's nice to meet another carol-parody junkie! Thanks for the fix. :D
stark raving sane: andy-salt!archiveninja on December 21st, 2011 04:00 am (UTC)
I love you. And Supernatural. And Doctor Who. And Merlin.

{ embracing the storm }: H50: Chinmithrel on December 21st, 2011 01:13 pm (UTC)
ROFL! I don't even watch most of these shows, but it was still cool. I love all the random Hawaii Five 0 stuff (I'm going to be randomly singing "Graaaace Paaaark kicks butt!" or "Daaaniel Dae Kiiim!" all day now.)

Also, And thank God, there's no Bieber on Glee. got an IRL LOL out of me.