I am absolutely fucking reeling from this episode. First off, it makes me want to write insane amounts of Wincest, sorry about that. But. Enough of that. Let's talk about this incredible insane fucking turning point that happened in these boys' lives last night.
I'm sorry, but .... these guys have been through 50 shades of hell, and 50 shades of emotional catharsis, but last night was more intense than any of them. Because last night wasn't about facing down death or the devil or God. Last night was about life.
I knew in advance that it'd be Sam doing the trials, and as the episode wore on, and as Dean gave that first speech to Sam, I thought to myself, shit, wait till Dean finds out. Wait till Sam goes out there and kills that hellhound before Dean even gets a chance, and Sam says to Dean, you fucking idiot, don't you get it? I don't want to live without you, I can't deal with losing you again. You have no idea how losing you actually kicked my ass, how I ran and ran and how I'm still running from the possibility of it. How I'm still scared to wake up in the morning and have it all be a dream. I'd rather be the one to die this time, Dean, because it's killed me every time I lost you.
And then Sam just-so-happened to be the one to kill the hellhound, and I thought, shit, Carver, come on, seriously? It's an accident? Sam has to take on the trials by default? You can do better than this, the story can do better than this, and to some extent I still feel that way...
But then. But then. Oh, Sam. Oh, Dean.
"You're not a grunt, Dean. You're a genius."
How many seasons, how many lifetimes, have I been waiting for someone to tell him that?
And people were so afraid that the brain vs. brawn thing would be drawn too starkly. No. Dean might have drawn that line too starkly in his head. Not Sam. Not Carver. They know.
And for Sam to say I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I want you to see it too?
It reminds me of when I was in the hole of depression. I remember coming out and wanting to throw that lifeline down to everyone else who was ever in that pit. There's a way out. There's light. If you can't see it, please, please, see it through my eyes.
I'm actually crying as I write this right now.
I'm so proud of Sam for knowing that he can offer that to Dean. He's in a much better place than I thought he was, and as weakly drawn a character as Amelia was, if she gave that to Sam and then Sam can give that to Dean, I'm glad they had time together.
I'm starting to understand Carver's tendency to misdirection. All that dream-world crap. Amelia wasn't a hallucination. She was temporary in Sam's life, but that doesn't mean she didn't give him something. And if he can pass that on to Dean...
And I'm so, so proud of Dean for accepting it. Even if he had to. Even if wevegotnootherchoice.gif :)
These guys need each other. And for once, they don't need to die for each other. They need each other to survive. And they need to survive for each other.
Someone somewhere must have said, Dying for someone is easy. It's living for someone that takes real courage.
And if nobody's said it yet, somebody ought to.
Speaking of things nobody's said yet, I'm fairly sure there's nothing above that can't be found, better written, in twenty other meta posts. But my GOD, I needed to get it out.
I'm so, so happy.
(BRIEF ETA: and then I considered Dean passing on the lesson Sam taught him to Cas and then I cried all day long.)