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21 December 2004 @ 04:27 pm
This year's Christmas Carols  
Every year I write some Christmas Carols based on whatever I happen to be into at the time. Last year it was Buffy, the year before Gravi, the year before that HYD. This year, it's City of Heroes. Let's start with a guest carol, written by hedgehog39. I think you'll agree it's hysterical.

Dashing thru King's Row,
Sprinting all the way.
Four more skulls to go,
seventh quest today.

Purple bosses bring
buddies to the fight,
I 'port back to the hospital,
'Cuz I had no respite.

Grinding mobs
Grinding mobs
Treadmill of XP.
Oh what fun it is to blast
The bad guys from the screen

Grinding mobs
Grinding mobs
Bunch of greens are best.
Have to kill one more clockwork
To claw my way from debt

My offerings:

The 1st level hero
Is most likely to be
Hanging around Coyote.

The 2nd level hero
Is most likely to be
Getting his first contact
and a'slummin' around Galaxy.

The 3rd level hero
Is most likely to be
Beatin' up some Hellions,
Trying his first door mish,
and begging to all: "PL me!"

The 4th level hero
Is most likely to be
In the Atlas red zone,
on a team,
begging for a rez,
and streethunting for some XP.

The 5th level hero
Is most likely to be
Dead In Kings Row!
Totally outclassed,
on his face,
Licking up the dirt,
and transported back to Galaxy.

The 6th level hero
Is most likely to be
Heading for the Hollows
(Pool Power Time!)
Meeting David Wincott,
in a jam
Aggro'ing 2 mobs,
And ready to call a taxi.

The 7th level hero
Is most likely to be
Stocked up with Awakens,
In Electric Eel's lair,
Knee Deep In Trolls!
Looking for some Dyne,
far in debt,
Avoiding the Thorns,
And still dreaming of getting TP.

Oh little town of Paragon
Thy creepiness is high
For NPCs are scared to death
Whenever they run by!

There are, of course, other offerings, such as "The Little Scrapper Boy" and "Raiders We Have Killed on High," and of course, "'Brains,' The Herald Reaper Sings." But the piece de resistance is the following little ditty (which will be funnier if you frequent the CoH forums)...

Good King Statesman once looked down
On the town of Atlas
Noticed that Ms. Liberty
Was completely fatless

Saw the heroes gathered 'round
Begging for new powers
Saw them grind a million mobs
Over hours and ho-u-rs.

"Hither, Devs, and stand by me,
If thou knowst it, telling--
When we release Issue Three,
won't they all be kvelling?"
"Statesman, they are just irate
That you nerfed their ATs
And you neutered Integrate.
They'd send you to Ha-a-des!"

"Bring me Tankers, bring me mobs,
Let me see them battle
I will make the Tanks draw groups
Like a herd of cattle!"
So the Tanks will aggro mobs
Without strength to fight them,
But States swears he does it all
For love, not to spite them.

"States, the mobs are stronger now,
Three min's to a hero.
If the fight is longer now,
Their HP hits zero."
"Mark the forums well!" States talks,
"Listen to the masses.
We don't want a couple Clocks
Kicking all their a-a-sses."

So the Devs rolled back the nerfs,
helping with the Healing.
King States cares about his serfs,
Though he seems unfeeling.
Therefore Heroes, do be sure,
No matter your AT,
You will not in strength be poor
And that's thanks to Sta-a-tey!

We do parties, Bar Mitzvahs, etc. etc. etc. Good night everybody.