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04 December 2007 @ 08:00 pm
[fanfic] 30 First Kisses - Kiss #18  
Oh, I am so not sure about this one...

Title: Thirty First Kisses, Kiss #18
Author: tiptoe39
Rating: PG-13 for language and innuendo
Summary: This was as simple as breathing.

This is the 18th of 30 possible ways Matt and Mohinder could share their first kiss, written for the 30_kisses challenge. The theme was "Say ahh" ("a~n?") Previous kisses are here.

Matt never cursed in front of Molly. But that evening he came pretty close.

"Hard day?" Mohinder asked as he came home to see Matt trying to massage a kink out of his shoulder. Molly was doing her homework.

"Awful day. I'm so f-" Strike one. "I am so sick of putting up with the sh-" Strike two. "The stuff I do at work. It's like I don't practically run the whole precinct right under my boss's nose. No, I get caught looking at one f---"

Strike three. "Matt!"

"At one Web site and all of a sudden I'm this absolute slacker. I get the job done, don't I? What the hell do they care what I read when I'm waiting for forensics to call me back? Godd-"


"Argh!" He pounded the table and promptly pulled the same muscle again. "Ow!"

Mohinder raised an eyebrow. "Somebody needs to learn to meditate."

At this, Molly giggled, and Matt snapped, "Who asked you?" It came out rather more mean-spirited than he'd probably intended it, and Mohinder folded his arms and stared at him disapprovingly.

"I'm entirely serious," Mohinder said. "You would be able to control your anger if you had a way of centering yourself."

"Whatever." Matt got up, feeling like his own household was allied against him. Never a moment's peace. Never.

"If you change your mind, don't hesitate to-" Mohinder called down the hallway at Matt's retreating figure, but a bedroom door's slam cut him off.

"I don't think he wants to do that," Molly said, nibbling on the end of her pencil.

Mohinder sighed sadly. "No. I don't think he wants to do much of anything at the moment. Especially take good advice."

Late at night, Matt felt Mohinder's thoughts tap on his mind's door. Are you feeling any better?

Not really, Matt telegraphed back. Can't sleep. Keep beating up on myself for being so stupid. Keep hearing his thoughts telling me my job is on the line. A moment's pause, and Matt confessed, The truth is, it's not the first time. He's seen me doing stuff like that before, and he's right, I shouldn't do it ... but now I think he thinks I'm a lazy, no-good jackass, and half of me is mad at him for jumping to conclusions, but half of me thinks he's right and is just praying he doesn't fire me for it.

Mohinder had no reply. Matt felt the silence closing in on him and had to keep going. Man, I'm sorry. I don't mean to talk your ear off. Or think your brain off, or whatever I'm doing. I just get so full of everyone else's thoughts, it's like mine won't stay inside.

That's why I think meditation might help you, Mohinder responded.

Chanting Ommm and wearing bedsheets?

Not necessarily, although the bedsheets might be a nice touch. Even through telepathy, there was a hint of a laugh sparkling under each word. Meditation lets you be alone with your thoughts.

Doc, I haven't been alone in here since September. Trust me, I've tried.

And I tried to find a vaccine before I had Claire Bennet's blood, Mohinder returned pointedly. Perhaps you just haven't found the right tools to solve your problem.

And this is why Matt Parkman was now sitting on the floor of his bedroom with his legs crossed, trying desperately to meditate.

"It's a matter of breathing, to begin with," Mohinder said. "Try to be as aware of your breath as you can. Your breath is the essence of you. Become it."

Matt wheezed a few times. "Should I also become the hacking cough I'm trying to beat down?"

"You know, for a telepath you have a remarkable problem with the esoteric."

"You know, for a mild-mannered professor, you've got a hell of a sharp tongue."

Mohinder grumbled. "Just take a few breaths. Close your eyes. See how it works."

"Do I get to say Ommmm?"

"If you must. I prefer a simple Ah, myself."

"Maybe I'll just be quiet, then."

Several minutes later and Matt's backside was starting to get numb. He shifted from hipbone to hipbone awkwardly. It had been relaxing until he'd nearly fallen asleep, doing one of those honking dozes that makes you dizzy when you nearly fall over and wake up with a jolt. Which he did, looking around to get his bearings. His eyes fell on Mohinder, lids closed, palms upturned, murmuring a barely audible "Ahn-" in a voice that seemed too deep to be his. His lips were slightly pursed, his eyelashes fluttering like twin hummingbirds. Matt couldn't help himself. He peeked into his mind.

There was nothing there. It was like reading the Haitian. Wherever Mohinder and his brain had gone was a place so deep that Matt couldn't penetrate it.

That's when he determined to learn how to meditate, even if it killed him. He needed that escape or the world's worries were bound to go crashing down over his head before long.

Easier said than done.

The second time he and Mohinder sat down to practice, Mohinder brought along a CD of music that was supposed to help him relax. Instead, he kept seeing horribly stereotypical belly dancers falling all over themselves in his head and burst into chuckles. Finally Mohinder switched off the music and scowled at him.

"Uh, back to 'Ahn' again?" Matt asked.

"For lack of anything better," Mohinder replied coldly.

Matt tried chanting along with him. Very quietly, so in case Mohinder burst out laughing he could say he didn't realize he was doing it out loud. But being that conscious of how someone is thinking about you does not lend itself to concentration, so Matt got bored. After five or six minutes, he peeked into Mohinder's mind again. To his great satisfaction, he saw the discombobulated belly dancer running around in there as well. She was still there at breakfast the next morning, too-poor Mohinder had the music memorized, so she was stuck in his head, Matt noted with some wicked joy.

The third day was a hard one. There was a gap in the evidence chain that he'd been so painstakingly working on, and his boss had actually said to him that his job was on the line. Worse, Matt had heard him think, I ought to fire your pansy ass right now. God damn, I wish that funding request would go through so I could get to it.

He'd spent the whole day feeling like a lost cause, like the sword of Damocles was one budget resolution away from lopping his head clean off. His shoulders ached even more than usual that night, and Mohinder eyed him with pity when he'd tried to massage out the kinks himself. Several times he seemed about to say something, but he never did.

Matt tried to meditate on his own that night. Somehow sitting on his floor and saying "Ah-n" seemed easier when he wasn't half-certain that a well-groomed scientist with a wicked sense of humor wasn't watching him whenever his eyes were closed. But his mind wandered, and before he knew it he was tiptoeing into Molly's dreams, taking a dose of her calmness, and then sliding mentally across the hall to Mohinder's hard-at-work mind.

Well, well. Mohinder's mind was hard at work, but in a surprising way. Matt found himself looking at a picture of their almost-conversation earlier that night, but the image kept resetting itself and replaying with slight variations, like multiple takes of the same movie scene.

-- "Do you need some help with those shoulders?" Mohinder asks, wandering over and putting his hands on Matt's big twisted knots of back. Matt's eyes shut and he groans appreciatively as Mohinder begins to knead. --

-- "I don't suppose you'd let me try to work on that," Mohinder says, coming to stand gingerly behind Matt. Matt nods his assent and the hands get to work. --

-- "This may seem inappropriate, but I was always told I was good at massage." Mohinder does not close the gap between them, but Matt groans and turns around, wordlessly daring him to come closer. --

Even lost in his mind-reading, Matt could feel the blood rush to his face. What was Mohinder doing? Worrying about how to approach him? What did that mean? Matt wasn't entirely sure he wanted to contemplate it. He resumed his meditation, his low chant of "Ahh-n," a little louder, trying to drown out inconvenient thoughts and the now absolutely unbearable aching of his shoulders.

The next day, Mohinder asked him point-blank, "Have you been meditating?"

Matt thought at first he'd been caught peeking into Mohinder's mind. But there was no accusatory tone to the words. "Maybe a little," he said evasively. "Why?"

"You seem tense." Mohinder shrugged. "I thought perhaps you might need to try again."

"Do you meditate?" Matt countered. "Or is this just something you teach Americans to make them feel dumb and unenlightened?"

Mohinder gave him a look that could only be described as disdainful. "I learned meditation from a Californian," he informed him. "Surely you're not assuming I'm a yoga master simply because of the color of my skin."

"I deserved that," Matt muttered, trying to pull himself out from the ton of bricks that had just hit him. Mohinder just smiled lightly. "But, um, yeah, I have been. Trying, at least. Maybe not succeeding so much."

"Maybe I can help."

"Yeah. Maybe." He dragged his finger over the countertop lazily. "Not sure how."

"Well, if you wouldn't mind allowing me to observe. Guide you along."

"I don't know about that." He stomped across the room. "Maybe this was a bad idea to start with."

"Or perhaps you just need some assistance. I am trying to help, you know, not make you feel dumb and unenlightened."

"I know, I know," Matt grumbled. "OK, just one more shot. But you can't laugh."

That made Mohinder laugh. Matt looked daggers at him. "I mean it!" But he had the beginnings of a smile on his face, too.

This time Mohinder stayed standing, watching Matt sit on his bed, cross his legs, and close his eyes. "Straighten your back," he whispered, running a hand along Matt's spine. The words fell close to Matt's ear, and he shivered. "Now, breathe in. Feel the breath fill your belly, your lungs, your heart. Like sunlight. The air you're breathing in is clean. And then exhale all the impurities right out of you. All the darkness, all the thoughts you don't want to have-- out they go. Like a cloud of smoke." Matt exhaled heavily.

"And again, clean, clear breath in. Through your stomach, your lungs, your heart." The voice was half-whisper, half-chant. "Out with all that you don't need. From the tips of your fingers through to the heart of you, everything out."

Matt inhaled and exhaled several more times, Mohinder coaching him. For the first time, this felt as relaxing as he'd hoped it would. His head felt light, and his back had forgotten to ache. "I feel good," he said in a small voice, his eyes still closed.

"Good," Mohinder echoed. "You are all clean inside. There is only light inside of you, no darkness." It was like listening to an angel tell a fairy story. The hushed, airy tones seemed to vibrate through him. "Now it is time to begin."

Begin? Matt thought, but he kept the thought to himself. He was too relaxed, too deep in the thrall of Mohinder's voice to become skeptical now. He was willing to see this through.

"Now, breathe in the air that will become your mantra. Imagine it forming in the depths of your lungs, finding voice, then coming out so very slowly. In, deep, and--"

"Ahh-n," chanted Matt in an even tone. The sound spilled out of him like the sun's rays through a slatted blind-- faint, but unmistakably light. He felt as though he were in a white room, small and quiet but open. Everything had lost its color. His hair had no color. His skin was transparent. He was wearing pristine white robes. The whole world was white.

When he reached the bottom of his breath, Matt opened his eyes. "Wow," he said. "I felt-- I felt myself go somewhere that time."

"Excellent." Mohinder was glowing too, but in a different, slightly yellower color. Everything still looked a little pale. "Continue."

Matt nodded, inhaled, chanted again. Mohinder's smile was imprinted, gleaming, on the back of his eyelids now, but he tried to breathe it out and away. He wanted to go back to that clean, white box, wanted to live there all alone. He wanted to stop wanting so hard and just be.

It took longer to come this time, but the oblivion came, and Matt felt released, felt as though he could walk a thousand miles and never reach the corners of that white room. Perhaps this was the power of his mind turned on himself, but Matt felt free, like he'd found a place that he'd been searching for.

Mohinder. Mohinder was responsible for this, for showing him this. Matt nearly reached out to pull him into the dream, but reconsidered. No reason to scare him. Mohinder still wasn't aware of what exactly Matt could do. Matt had been too busy, or too concerned for their health after learning what they'd been through, or just plain too cowardly to tell him. He would, of course, but this was not the way. Instead, he peeked out of a window he painted in that white wall and looked into Mohinder's mind.

He saw himself, deep in meditation. He saw Mohinder smiling with satisfaction at having taught him so well. And he saw in the back of Mohinder's eyes another movie reel playing. It seemed to be his particular brand of thinking things through-- like a chess master who analyzes every slight variation until he reaches his perfect outcome. Matt leaned a little further out his mental window and peered into the projection booth.

-- Mohinder leans down to caress the face that is so rapt. Matt's eyes slit open. They share a moment of intense eye contact, and then Mohinder leans in closer --

-- Mohinder caresses his cheek, and Matt's eyes open. And Matt grabs his wrists and pulls him down atop him --

-- Mohinder places a soft daffodil of a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Eyes open, and they stare at each other --

-- Mohinder whispers something in his ear, and Matt's arms snake around him. His eyes never open; Mohinder's close instead --

Matt could have stared at those myriad variations for forever and a half. They were fascinating. Mohinder in sepia tones, and Matt in black and white, meeting at the limits of the spectrum. At the center of the world. Were there practical considerations? Surely, on the edges of this place. But Matt was at his center, gazing from core to core, and the cores were right. Surely all the roughness around the edges could be smoothed out in time. This was as simple as breathing.

He breathed in a long breath, letting it rise through his stomach, his lungs, his heart.. And at the crest of the breath, he opened his eyes.

He saw a somewhat goofy smile slide off Mohinder's face. There was no dizziness when he rose to his feet, although looking at Mohinder now, with the certainty of what he was seeing, was a vertigo-inspiring experience. How had he been blind to all the obvious signs? The beauty in the eyes, the delicate curves and straight lines all in their place? Why had he needed to go so deep within himself to figure out what should have been clear on the surface?

The edges weren't rough. The edges were glorious.

Matt took his hands. Mohinder gasped at the contact. His eyes asked a quavering question, and Matt answered with a smile.

"You saw," Mohinder whispered, trying in vain to sound horrified. But there was too much joy in his eyes to make it convincing.

"I looked at myself, too," Matt said. Their voices were both barely above whispers. "You'll never guess what I found."

Inexplicably, Mohinder turned away, his eyes brimming with tears. "You don't. We can't."

It was just a little too perfect, a little too beautiful, and Matt felt the ethereal nature of the moment tumble into a flood of rather more earthly sensations. "OK, Mohinder," he smirked. "I'm pretty clear-headed right now, BUT. If you keep with the we-can't-we-mustn't? I might lose it and tackle you."

"I never said 'we mustn't'!" Of all the times to protest a cliché!

"Good. Because we must." The phrase came at the same time as Matt's hand, then lips, on his lips. Mohinder sucked in a breath, drawing cold air across both their mouths. Matt shivered and drew him into an embrace, fever supplanting chills. They both sighed into the kiss, and broke away with a small exhalation of "ahh-n."

"I take back what I said," Matt muttered low into the side of his face. "I might just tackle you anyway."

Fingers were small and insistent on his waist. "That's not good," said a honey-colored voice near Matt's ear, though the sweetness of the tone told him it was very good indeed.

"Yeah. I have no control. I need to learn some-- I don't know, meditation or something."

"I don't know anything about that," Mohinder whispered. "I might have a passing familiarity with some tantric yoga techniques, however."

"Yoga? I never would have guessed," Matt chuckled. "So what's tantric yoga about?"

Lips pressed into his neck. "Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?"

At that, Matt growled and reached down with every intention of scooping the man up into his arms and dumping him unceremoniously on the bed. But one agonizing shout of pain later and he was alone on that bed, clutching his poor pulled shoulder.

"Perhaps we should take this a little more slowly, then?" Mohinder tried desperately not to laugh.

"Would you give a guy a little help here?" Matt wailed.

Mohinder smirked. "Somebody needs more practice." He settled onto the bed behind Matt and began rubbing his shoulders. "Find your center," he whispered.

Matt did. And Mohinder didn't leave that bed until the next morning.


ilsaluvsrickilsaluvsrick on December 5th, 2007 01:28 am (UTC)

This was so pretty and peaceful.

And I hope you feel better after working out the boss angst in fic form.
Tiptoe39: epiphanytiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 01:50 am (UTC)
Actually, it *did* help, weirdly enough. I think I might revise this one, I'm feeling bleh about it, although it really did help me work it all through.
Square: matt and mohinder plus the symbolsquareorange on December 5th, 2007 01:36 am (UTC)
I love the variations going through Mohinder's mind. :D

You have no idea how much I look forward to these. Always so good.
Tiptoe39: powerlesstiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
this one, not so good... sigh.. might revise... thanks... tho
Jessiejessieflower on December 5th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC)
That was interesting. Meditation must have a completely different meaning for Matt from now on. I absolutely adore your whole series.
Tiptoe39: matt mind meldtiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 01:58 am (UTC)
Thanks. can you imagine what he could do if he became a master of meditation with all the rest of his mental talents? ^_^

:wants to have mindsex with matt liek nao plz:
carma_babycarma_baby on December 5th, 2007 01:59 am (UTC)
I know how Matt feels concerning his back and shoulders... I wish I had me someone pretty like Mohinder to fix it, though.

This was beautiful, as always. I like how you went in a completely different direction from the previous kiss and it worked completely. I particularly liked your use of color. You always manage to find something that hadn't been considered before. I loved Mohinder playing out different scenes in his mind {I do that too} and how surprised he was when Matt opened his eyes and initiated one of them. It made me a smile in that tender, oh, adorable way.

Thank you for sharing and I can't wait for your next piece!
Tiptoe39: sendhiltiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:02 am (UTC)
Yes, I think Mohinder should come around to all our houses and offer us genetic therapy for our aching backs.

"Yes, my name is Dr. Mohinder Suresh. I'm here with a company that's very interested in people like you. Ordinary people with extraordinary back pain."

The Soul says: - carma_baby on December 5th, 2007 02:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - carma_baby on December 5th, 2007 02:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - carma_baby on December 5th, 2007 02:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
Saathi: awesome (Matt)saathi1013 on December 5th, 2007 02:08 am (UTC)
"Do you meditate?" Matt countered. "Or is this just something you teach Americans to make them feel dumb and unenlightened?"

Laughed so hard I had to explain to my bf what got me so giggly.

And the rest? just lovely!
Tiptoe39: don't eventiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:10 am (UTC)
Matt was like oscar the grouch in this one. i'm glad he got calm in the end.
(Deleted comment)
Tiptoe39: nausicaatiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:23 am (UTC)
He's too centered, huminahuminahumina. He's liek totally in tune with the universe n stuff. lamalamalama....

:goes back to communing with the earth:
I had fun once and it was awfulvisiblemarket on December 5th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
Well, now I sort of want to meditate!

"I learned meditation from a Californian,"

Hee! Oh, Mohinder...I love that you give him a sense of humor. Because he does have one, and we don't see it often enough.

Enjoyed this...now I feel all blissful.
Tiptoe39: nausicaatiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:36 am (UTC)
I couldn't let him learn how to meditate and crap in India, it would be too cliche. And he does have a sense of humor, I was very struck by how on his game he was in last night's ep.

:goes into meditating about having sex with the entire cast of heroes mode:

ahh, that's relaxing.
The Soul says: - visiblemarket on December 5th, 2007 02:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 02:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - visiblemarket on December 5th, 2007 02:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
Queen of Useless Knowledge: Phildemarcos_btoast on December 5th, 2007 03:04 am (UTC)
Yay! That was loverly and for some odd reason calming.... :P

They keep getting better and better! And to reiterate, I love this series and am patiently waiting for more!
Tiptoe39: epiphanytiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 03:53 am (UTC)
Good, I needed to calm myself today so I hope this helped everyone else calm as much as it helped me. Literally, I got into writing this, and I was able to let go of some anger I've been holding onto for 48 hours. So glad.
Artsy: Heroes: Matt!Concentrationhiddenfantasy on December 5th, 2007 03:28 am (UTC)
See, if I had Mohinder teaching me meditation I might actually be able to do it! Matt's so lucky.

I love this series. I can't wait for the next one!
Tiptoe39: matt mind meldtiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 03:54 am (UTC)
:stares at your icon: did it just move?
very hypnotizing.........

anyway, thanks!
rogue equestrian: Heroes:: what did you just think?elvinborn on December 5th, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
I like it. it's peaceful. and I like the little peeks Matt gets in Mohinder's mind.
Tiptoe39: pridetiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 03:54 am (UTC)
Good, I'm glad :)
crystal_mkcrystal_mk on December 5th, 2007 03:37 am (UTC)
Wonderful as per usual.

I loved how the different scenarios played in Mohinder's mind. It's something I could really see him doing.

Just have to ask: Was Matt looking at porn?
Tiptoe39: prontiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 03:55 am (UTC)
No, Matt was me and I was playing a stupid game and got busted for it and now can't surf the web at work because the new boss thinks I'm a slacker. Pooooooh. Never mind they totally can't run the place without me. Poooooooooooh.

Oh, you mean in-story? ehehehe, you decide.
The Soul says: - crystal_mk on December 5th, 2007 04:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 04:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
Samanthor: Good timeskleenexcow on December 5th, 2007 03:57 am (UTC)
I enjoyed this one. :) The end left me torn between feeling calm and wishing that I had a Mohinder to rub my back....
Tiptoe39: sendhiltiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 04:05 am (UTC)
See upthread for Dr. Mohinder Suresh's Chiropractic House Calls....


now I wanna go write holiday!smut!fic...
The Soul says: - kleenexcow on December 5th, 2007 04:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 04:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
Trixxanna: killing braincellstrixxanna on December 5th, 2007 04:32 am (UTC)
OH! For this I love you!
The edges weren't rough. The edges were glorious.

Like this story that was the most beautiful perfection poured from a great mind and into words.

You got multiple bonus points and major credit for killing thousands of braincells in my head alone when Mohinder mentioned "Tantric Yoga" *ded* *melts into fangirl puddle purring*
Tiptoe39: prontiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 04:44 am (UTC)
Re: OH! For this I love you!
ahahahahahahaha i couldn't help it :picks up pocket kama sutra off floor and tries to imagine a fic based on each position:
Re: OH! For this I love you! - kleenexcow on December 5th, 2007 04:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: OH! For this I love you! - tiptoe39 on December 6th, 2007 12:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: OH! For this I love you! - trixxanna on December 5th, 2007 05:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
pixieladykuwdora on December 5th, 2007 04:37 am (UTC)

meditation fic is so my kink.

Yum, yum, yuummm.
Tiptoe39: epiphanytiptoe39 on December 5th, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
Oh really? Excellent ^_^ Ommm....
(Deleted comment)
Tiptoe39: saitiptoe39 on December 6th, 2007 12:29 am (UTC)
Back atcha!