Log in

No account? Create an account
02 January 2008 @ 09:01 pm
[fanfic] Five Things You Make Me Feel (PG-13)  
Title: Five Things You Make Me Feel
Author: tiptoe39
Rating: PG-13 for some discussion of adult situations
Summary: The "you" and "me" in the title switch off. This be pointless WAFF. Certain parts of this are dedicated to ilsaluvsrick and plotbunny_tiff. Because they inspired me. The rest of it is dedicated to everyone who's ever commented on my fic. And hedgehog39, because everything I write is dedicated to him.

Five Things You Make Me Feel

I. Spontaneous

Mohinder Suresh is in love. He's absolutely sure of it. He's madly, and passionately, and fill-in-the-blankly in love. And he's loved in return.

He's never been so miserable in all his life.

Mohinder Suresh, you see, likes things to be planned. He likes logic. He likes there to be a rhythm and a rhyme to things. That's science. Anything that cannot be explained by empirical data is right out. It's irrelevant. Or it didn't exist to begin with.

He can explain Molly, of course. He can easily explain adoring her. There are a million things about her to love. She is a bright, sweet, smart young lady with a one-in-a-million gift and a one-in-a-billion smile. The illogical thing would be to not adore her. Even taking her home with him, giving her a place to live, seems perfectly rational.

And inviting a sensible, straightforward man with a steady stream of income and a shared adoration for her to come be her surrogate father, opening his apartment to him and providing him a place to be, that was the sensible and logical thing to do for sure. She needs a stable, secure home with two loving parents. All the research suggests as much. He's simply playing the probabilities.

But confused, jumbling feelings do not make sense. An awkward, searching kiss late at night in the front hall of the apartment, and an even more awkward tumble into bed a week later in what was simultaneously the strangest and most exhilarating experience of Mohinder's adult life-- these did not make sense. Nor did it seem logical that they should subsequently discover, through late-night whispered conversations and hand-holding at play dates, that they both felt they were such ordinary people in the most extraordinary of surroundings, that they wanted so much more for everyone else in their lives than they ever wanted for themselves, that they shared a fear of rejection and criticism, that they were both so traumatized by earlier events in their lives that they were scared to death of falling again into that abyss that was opening up wider and wider before them.

And it makes even less sense that Mohinder has ended up not just falling but throwing himself into that chasm. Head over heels, as they say.

What's worse, the whole world seems to have inexplicably changed.

The sky, the New York sky, is blue. The buildings gleam. Have taxicabs always been so yellow? And so forth and so on.

And he wants to do something. What?

Buy a gift.

He wants to buy those flowers that the guy on the corner is selling for $5 a bunch.

Tulips. Red tulips.

And he wants to wander through that open-air market they're holding today.

Oh. They're selling rock candy. Homespun rock candy. He wants to buy some of that.

By the time he makes it home, he is carrying a dozen red tulips, a package of rock candy, a bolt of cloth that he suspects is a throw for a kitchen table, a deck of oversized playing cards, an intriguing rock formation shaped like three Ms folded in on each other, and a gigantic silver-backed balloon with a cartoon cop, blowing his whistle, painted on the front.

Matt and Molly look at him as though he's lost his mind.

"I felt spontaneous," he says.

When he hands Matt the flowers, he telegraphs, I suspect that is your fault.


II. Intelligent
for ilsaluvsrick, who had expressed interest in my theories on the subject

Mohinder has been helping Matt learn to read. Well, not how to read. He can read. When the letters stay still. He's learning how to make them stay still.

There's very little that is fun or flattering about having a genius teach you remedial comprehension skills. Especially when you are a classic brawn-not-brains meathead cop, and your job skills feature the ability to shout "Freeze" and scare the crap out of a suspect in an interrogation room. And when he's not the meathead, Matt knows, he's the gentle giant. He looks kind and smiles winningly and a little girl clings to him like he's the last safe harbor on earth. That makes him feel trusted, but not intelligent. Not remotely.

Then, one day, Mohinder points out to him that he reads Molly her bedtime story flawlessly every time, and he's floored.

What is it that's different when he's trying to put his little girl to bed? Why can he do then so effortlessly what he can't do any other time without a very great effort?

And then he's floored again, because Mohinder is standing in the hall with a quiet light in his eyes, saying softly, "I think you may have the most fascinating mind I've ever encountered."

Matt gawks at him in true meathead fashion, because he's never considered his mind worthy of a sentence containing one multisyllabic word, much less "fascinating" and "encountered."

Mohinder posits a theory about self-hypnosis or self-suggestion. He theorizes that Matt has somehow commanded himself to be a competent father to Molly. He suggests that Matt may be able to use his abilities to self-cure his dyslexia. Furthermore, he suggests that the dyslexia itself may be a sort of coping mechanism, a self-limiting factor put in place by a brain that is significantly more powerful than it expected itself to be. A fail-safe to keep the power from ballooning out of control too early on.

"So you're saying I'm dumb because I'm too smart?" Matt stammers incredulously. "That's one I haven't heard before."

"That's not exactly what I'm implying, no." Mohinder raises an eyebrow.

"That's good, because nobody's ever accused me of being smart," Matt grins.

This time, that same eybrow twitches in annoyance. "I never said you weren't smart. Please don't put words in my mouth."

"Sorry." Matt rolls his eyes. He's sure the unspoken words are clear to them both: You didn't have to say it.

But Mohinder goes on. "That's another theory I have. Your modesty. Your reluctance to acknowledge your own intelligence. I wonder if that isn't another fail-safe. A personality trait developed to prevent you from abusing your power." He becomes very animated all of a sudden, pacing back and forth in the hallway. "If that's the case, it may signify not only an evolutionary step for the human race but a leap forward for evolution itself!"

"Whoa. Whoa." Matt clamps two hands down on his shoulders. His legs take two half-steps before realizing they're going nowhere and giving up. "What are you talking about? You think I only think I'm not smart?"

"Matt," Mohinder says with glittering eyes and a huge, dazzling smile, "it's quite possible that whatever mutation is at play in your genetic code has developed a capacity for morality in addition to sheer survival instinct. That would, quite literally, make you the most advanced intelligence ever to exist on this planet!"

Matt turns pink up to his ears. He doesn't believe a word of it, of course. But maybe that's because he's too intelligent to let himself.


III. Intoxicated
for plotbunny_tiff, who suggested the word as a prompt

Mohinder is not a big drinker. Matt doesn't understand this. He doesn't drink, he doesn't eat meat-- how is he ever going to make it in America? Mohinder tries to explain that he has plenty of vices, but Matt pooh-poohs them, one by one. Atheism? Practically a national pastime. Lack of personal hygiene? Who does he think he's living with? And at this point, homosexuality is clearly not on the table as a valid character flaw. So Matt insists that Mohinder is a paragon of virtue, and he absolutely must get him drunk or he will be completely hopeless.

But the taste of beer is worse than sucking on a frog, Mohinder declares, and wine's all right but not really much better. At least, this is what he claims. Matt sees in his eyes, and hears more than a whisper in his thoughts, a sort of fear of the stuff. He's afraid of tasting it and liking it. That baffles Matt.

Until he wakes up one early November night to a noise like a rat shuffling around in the kitchen. He grabs his gun. Doesn't even notice that the space in bed next to him is empty.

He discovers Mohinder kneeling behind the kitchen counter, his fist in a bag of leftover Halloween candy, munching on tiny Milky Ways like they might be snatched out of his hands at any second.

A moment of wild-eyed panic and Mohinder begins, mouth full: "Before you say anything, my blood pressure is normal. My cholesterol levels are unnaturally low. And I couldn't gain a pound if I tried. And believe me, I've tried."

Matt is glad he didn't pull the gun. He hates to think how Mohinder might have panicked if he'd seen that pointed at him instead of just a stunned stare.

Mohinder sighs and slumps against the cabinet. "I have a complex about control," he admits. "I hate to think I'm not in perfect possession of my faculties at all times. I want to be the one to decide what I do with both my higher and my baser instincts. Not alcohol, not drugs, not even lack of sleep. I know that much about myself. So... being caught like this is very humiliating." He gestures at the collapsed bag of sweets.

"So you have a sweet tooth," Matt says, unsure what to make of this bizarre defense-turned-confession. "How is that a crime?"

"It's not a crime." Mohinder keeps looking at the floor. Matt hastily stows the gun on the kitchen table and comes over to sit beside him. "It's just shameful. It's a personal failing. I'm hopeless around chocolate.

"I suppose I should be grateful for small favors," he goes on. "At least my metabolism can handle it. Many aren't quite so lucky. Still. I'm ashamed." He turns plaintive eyes on Matt.

Who almost bursts out laughing.

Mohinder has chocolate smeared on his cheek and caramel on the corners of his mouth.

"Don't move," he says, and bends in to kiss the delicious stains away. Mohinder opens his mouth to him, and there is the most incredible blend of spicy and sweet on his tongue. Matt finishes by licking up the smear on his cheek and draws back to look at him.

He seems to have flipped some switch deep within him, because Mohinder has the look of a wild animal. He grabs the front of Matt's nightshirt with two hands and drawls like a drunk:

"I want to do things to you that couldn't be printed in the worst pornographic magazine imaginable."

Mohinder has a hangover the next morning, and Matt has a backache. But being intoxicated like that was worth it. Maybe control is just a tad overrated.


IV. Attractive

Mohinder really does have a metabolism to die for. This is something Matt notices very early on, and it comes back to haunt him when the holiday pounds have been happily packed on. At New Year's, Matt is sure he will never eat again. He makes a New Year's resolution, and announces it publicly to the family, that he is going to go jogging every day, rain or shine, until the gut is gone. Molly takes this as her license to pester him every morning. She must be a little vampire bat of a girl to always be up before the sun, jumping on their bed. Mohinder can, of course, sleep through anything. He slumbers quietly through the whole routine and is very seldom awake until Matt has returned, showered, and dressed.

As the days lengthen, however, this starts to change. By mid-February, Mohinder is up and moving when Matt returns from the job. And while Molly waves her hand in front of her face and says "Pee-yuuuw, go take a shower, would ya," Mohinder never says a word. In fact, he stares.

Matt has never been stared at before. That is, not in a way that didn't immediately precede being shoved into a locker or called Fatty-Fatty-Two-by-Four. He's really unsure how to handle it.

In fact, he has the wrong idea entirely. He thinks Mohinder must be gaping at just how much of a mess he is when he comes home. He must be the epitome of a grunting, hulking, sweaty, dumb American. He doesn't even bother to read his mind to see if he's right. He's got a lifetime of experience to back up his conclusion. Who needs independent confirmation?

Then, one morning, he's had a terrible night full of nightmares, and Molly bounces on the bed and it's drizzling out the whole way and he thinks he's going to catch a cold and he just snaps at the both of them the moment he gets in the door. "Just don't say it. I'm going in the shower now, OK?"

Molly eeps. Matt turns with a glare to Mohinder. "And stop staring. There are apes in the zoo you can stare at. I'm not on display." Feeling vindicated, he marches into the bathroom, grabs a towel, turns the water on.

With the sweat, the feeling of accomplishment slides away, and guilt bubbles up along wiht the foam of the shampoo. He spends a little too long in the shower, feeling sorry for himself and slightly dizzy.

When he gets out, Mohinder is standing against the closed bathroom door, arms folded over his chest. He's carrying Matt's sweaty jogging clothes in one hand. "Matt Parkman, you are an ignorant jackass," he says matter-of-factly.

Matt blinks. Mohinder points to his own forehead.

Listen to me.

Mohinder tosses the ratty jogging shorts at him. When you started this routine, these were tight on you, Mohinder thinks pointedly at him. Now they hang off your thighs. Haven't you noticed?

Matt shakes his head mutely. Looks down at his legs. Then he's hit with the gym socks.

You're wearing holes in these with how hard you're running. I never see you doing it, but I'm sure you're going faster and further than you used to. Your muscles tell me that story.

The flush creeping into the base of Matt's neck now has nothing to do with the workout or the steamy shower. Then he gets a faceful of his T-shirt.

I want to be this shirt. I want you to sweat all over me. I want to cling to you, too.

Matt launches himself forward, drops the clothes he's just caught, catches Mohinder instead in an embrace and an open-mouth kiss, naked wet body on dry, clothed one, and they moan happily at the contact and for just one moment of his pathetic, self-esteem-lacking life, Matt really, wholeheartedly believes he is an attractive man.

Then Mohinder informs him, "You may look great, but your breath is awful. Brush your teeth, for God's sake."

Well. Guess even attractive guys need to face the truth once in a while.


V. Sheltered

In March, there's a return of the kind of gripping cold that was once December's exclusive territory. The apartment is freezing on one rainy morning. Mohinder sits up, shivers, feels his bare toes touch a shockingly cold wooden floor. He withdraws his foot as though it's touched fire rather than ice. Reflexively, he pulls at the blanket to drape it over his shoulders.

The blanket resists, and he has that blank moment of confusion before remembering that he shares the comforter and has for months.

Matt sits up, sees him shiver, and all at once strong, heavy arms like lead are around his shoulders and chest. A furnace, hot with sleep, on his back. Mouth like a fireplace on his neck. And around them both the comforter, like a rooftop. Matt's body, like a home.

It's something he hasn't felt since his father died. He has felt happy. He's felt loved. He's felt alive and willing and determined. But through it all, he's been the only one there protecting himself. Nobody has been looking out for Mohinder but Mohinder.

That's all changed. He's been drawn into someplace warm and safe. He's protected. He's secure. He's sheltered.

"'S too cold. Come back to bed," Matt rumbles wearily into his neck.

Mohinder nods. And he does.

Tags: ,
Jessiejessieflower on January 3rd, 2008 02:34 am (UTC)
Mmm thats just what I need before I go to sleep.
Tiptoe39: aoitiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:48 am (UTC)
hope you had sweet dreams!
Moral Whiplashbkwyrm on January 3rd, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
It's just so CUDDLY!
Awww. Love Mohinder and control - it rings very true.
Tiptoe39: mo mayatiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:49 am (UTC)
hehe, i have given poor mohinder another of my character traits......... poor guy.
saavikam77: Matt/Mohinder - Minesaavikam77 on January 3rd, 2008 03:50 am (UTC)
*flails* :D Oh, I love this!! I love neurotic Mohinder and oblivious Matt, and, and... Gah! ^_^ The image of Mohinder caught red handed with the bag of candy bars was too hilarious. :p
Tiptoe39: caketiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:49 am (UTC)
it is sort of kiss 23 redux, but in fanfic as in life, you can never have too much chocolate :D
carma_babycarma_baby on January 3rd, 2008 03:51 am (UTC)
How lovely and wonderful! Thanks dear!
Tiptoe39: pridetiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:50 am (UTC)
thank YOU!
Artsy: DT: Cutehiddenfantasy on January 3rd, 2008 04:01 am (UTC)
Numbers 2 and 4 are my most favorite. I guess I'm a sucker for Matt thinking he's not nearly as attractive or as smart as he really is and having Mohinder prove him wrong. -le sigh- I need a Mohinder to do that for me, damn it. XD
Tiptoe39: mattmo fandomtiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)
:hugs: wish i could conjure one up for you. but fwiw i think you're awesome. then again i think everyone in this fandom is awesome. so maybe i'm biased, but it's a good biased :D
boymommytotwoboymommytotwo on January 3rd, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
hmmmmm... i wanna be in bed with matt and mohinder... i always seem to want a lot of them after i read your stories... thank you for the gift this evening! :)
Tiptoe39: mattmo sexiertiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)
I want a lot of them too, that's why i write them :D
boudecia7: pic#69908020boudecia7 on January 3rd, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
Sheeeee-ite. I hardly know what to do with myself, these were so much fun to read! I love them all, but V has to be my favorite. I'm a total sucker for snuggling! These were just wonderful!
Tiptoe39: romancetiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:52 am (UTC)
:snuggles you: thank you!
ilsaluvsrickilsaluvsrick on January 3rd, 2008 04:42 am (UTC)

I love you so much. thanks for the prezzy. Just for that I'm going to work even harder to get the smut I'm currently working on finished for ya.
Tiptoe39: porntiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:53 am (UTC)
Awwwwwww!! :hugs: I love you too. Thanks for making sure that plotbunny stayed in my head. I am so all about the smut, too. :tries to imagine what it must be: :dies: :reads Open for the 2305825908th time:
crystal_mkcrystal_mk on January 3rd, 2008 04:50 am (UTC)
As expected this was great!

My favorite is definitely "Attractive". I love how Mohinder is able to convince Matt that yes, he is *very* attractive.
Tiptoe39: pridetiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:54 am (UTC)
Yay, thank you! I will try to run back today and give you a half-decent comment on your fic, which I thought was very, very clever... sorry I was all short w/you last night. Anyway, thanks!
Robyn: paranoiamagickaldreamer on January 3rd, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
I love them all, but especially the last one. It's currently 3 degrees out (Fahrenheit) with a wind chill of -22. And I have to go to school in the morning. *Shivers.* Wish I had a Matt to keep me warm...Mohinder's a lucky man.
Tiptoe39: matt listentiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:55 am (UTC)
yes indeed. :drools over matt: in some ways he is the most attractive man in the series. maybe not the prettiest but the most :uh i want that around me: attractive.

but i have said too much :D
Renéerogueslayer452 on January 3rd, 2008 06:43 am (UTC)
Wow, I loved these. Each individual section is wonderfully written in their own way, I wish I could go on forever on how much I enjoyed reading Mohinder being spontaneous while being in love and him telling Matt that he's more intelligent than he ever realized (which was so sweet and heartwarming to read, especially how Mo seemed so excited while talking about it, hee) along with him loving Matt for who he is despite the self-consciousness he may feel, how Mohinder being addicted to chocolate is like the bestest thing ever, and so forth. Each one defines their relationship in some form, going from Mohinder to Matt and both of them together, and it flows just nicely.

But I have to say in the last one, this really got to me:

But through it all, he's been the only one there protecting himself. Nobody has been looking out for Mohinder but Mohinder.

This, I feel, is so true which also makes me sad. When looking at the show, even though Mohinder has met or been connected with almost every single character, in the end he's ultimately all alone. There is no Ando to his Hiro, and I feel if we -- and I mean we as in us MoMatt fangirls and fandom alike -- could run the show, we would have Matt always be there for him and vice versa. Then again, that's my fangirl heart talking about I want M3 to last forever and ever and ever.

Okay, enough rambling now. These were lovely and I was giddy all over again after a poor day I had. Thank you for providing a pick-me-up of MoMatt squeeage. :D
Tiptoe39: mattmo canontiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:58 am (UTC)
Oh, honey, this is beautiful feedback as usual from you. When I wrote that line my heart almost broke from the trueness and sadness of it. He needs friends so badly.

Probably the line was half inspired by a comment on Kiss 27 that out_there made about how lonely he seems in America. He doesn't seem to make any friendships that last. And he needs it so very badly or he will in fact cease to be a character and start being a plot device. (Kring, are you listening?) I agree with you completely about why MattMo needs to be canon (at least as friendship, because my God they might set my TV on fire if they were ever to kiss). The characters NEED it. The need just jumps off the screen.

Oh. I am babbling. Bai.
The Soul says: - triedunture on January 3rd, 2008 03:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The Soul says: - tiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 03:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
angeldylan628angeldylan628 on January 3rd, 2008 09:11 am (UTC)
Matt gawks at him in true meathead fashion, because he's never considered his mind worthy of a sentence containing one multisyllabic word, much less "fascinating" and "encountered."

By this line I decided that this was the best oneshot ever written. I'm insanely jealous at how you can make me laugh and go aww at the exact same time.

You win at life.
Tiptoe39: pridetiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 11:58 am (UTC)
eee hee hee hee heee. i hope that doesn't mean the game is over. :-)

Trini: copcartrinipedia on January 3rd, 2008 12:52 pm (UTC)
This was utterly adorable.
I loved the 'intelligent' and 'attractive' part most of all, but,hey, I'm Matt, right? XD
Tiptoe39: howltiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 03:00 pm (UTC)
Why, sure you are, you intelligent, attractive person, you. :D
The Soul says: - trinipedia on January 3rd, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
plotbunny_tiff: squeeplotbunny_tiff on January 3rd, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)
Arrrgh! Curses to you Comcast, messing up my internet connection when you knew there was new Tippy fic to be read. This pisses me off more than you making me stay on the tech line for an hour and a half. You shall feel my wrath. ::shakes fist::

In the meantime I will sit here at work surrounded in a field of shojo-bubbles, roses, and sparkles. The brightness of my smile shall illuminate the office. You bring me such joy.

If this is the product, dearest darlingest Tippy, I would be happy to supply you with plotbunnies and chocolate for the rest of your days.
Tiptoe39: giggletiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
Eeee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

:giggling FOREVER at this comment:

dear LORD I love this fandom. You're all so freakin' adorable.

:hugs hugs hugs:
triedunture on January 3rd, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
This is just...gah! I love your theories on how Matt's brain may have developed his dyslexia. Brilliant. And I love the jogging story. And THIS?

Nobody has been looking out for Mohinder but Mohinder.

That's all changed.

*huggles everything in sight* Isn't that the truth for everyone, though? That everyone feels that way and wants it to change? Just so damned right-on.
Tiptoe39: mo and mollytiptoe39 on January 3rd, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
Yes, that is really the core of the piece (and in general my characterization of Mohinder, and everyone, yes). See upthread for more excellent musing on that line. So glad you liked. :)